Co-Creating Your Life: Feminine Power, Money Mindset, and the Dance of Marriage
Today, as I sat in the studio surrounded by canvases and half-finished paintings, I kept thinking about you.
About us.
About the quiet, private places inside a woman’s life that so few people really see - marriage, money, faith, fear, our bodies, our longing to feel safe and soft and powerful all at once.
I want to write to you a little bit about all of that.
We are all the same, just in different bodies
Something I feel so deeply is this: we are all so different on the outside… and yet inside, we are almost the same.
We carry similar longings and similar fears; we dream of love, safety, beauty, connection, purpose. We wrap these longings in our own personalities, stories, families, traumas - but the core is shared.
Because of that, I feel a responsibility to “crack the shell” a little. When one woman shares honestly, we all feel less strange, less broken, less alone. So I want to open a window into my own process - not because I’ve “figured it out,” but precisely because I’m in it with you.
Marriage as a mirror: the energetic imbalance I could no longer ignore
My marriage, for a long time, looked “fine” from the outside.
There was no dramatic crisis. No big blow-up. Just this quiet, subtle imbalance - a feeling that something in the energy was tilted. It took me years to even name it.
Looking back, I can see that I was sitting in a very masculine position in the relationship.
Not masculine as in “tomboy,” but masculine in energy: taking responsibility for everything, making sure everyone was okay, controlling, smoothing, preventing discomfort at all costs. I was the emotional mother, manager, protector.
It came from a good place. I didn’t want anyone to be upset or lacking or uncomfortable. But the result was: I was carrying everything.
And when one person sits in that role, it automatically forces the other person into the opposite side of the dance. Relationships are like ballroom dancing - if I keep stepping forward, the other person must step back. If I fill every space, the other person has nowhere to move.
At some point, it became too heavy. Not in one dramatic moment - more like a long, dark year. A “dark night of the soul” where I found myself metaphorically curled in a ball, unable to keep dragging the bags of everyone’s emotions and needs and expectations.
I realized:I don’t want to sit in this role anymore.
That was the beginning.
What feminine surrender actually is (and what it is not)
When I started softening out of that hyper-responsible role, people would say words like “surrender,” “be in your feminine,” “trust.” And honestly, those words triggered me at first.
I want to be very clear about what I don’t mean:
Surrender does not mean becoming weak, lazy, or a victim.
It does not mean letting your life crash while you passively watch.
It does not mean handing your entire emotional regulation to your husband and saying, “You fix me.”
True feminine surrender is something much deeper and braver.
It is:
Creating internal safety: “No matter what happens, I am okay inside my body. I am held by Hashem. I am not abandoning myself.”
Allowing someone else to step into their role, because you are no longer frantically gripping it.
Trusting - not blindly, but from a grounded place: “I am safe in me, so I don’t need to control every outcome.”
You are not surrendering to your husband.You are surrendering to Hashem and to the part of yourself that knows you are inherently safe and worthy.
When a woman moves from anxious control into this kind of soft strength, the whole dynamic shifts. Men are not one-dimensional. Many are quietly longing to embody their own healthy masculinity - protective, steady, responsible - but there’s no room for it when we are already doing everything.
We don’t change husbands. We change our stance… and the dance reshapes itself.
The quiet power of a woman
I wish I could put a megaphone to every woman’s heart and tell her:
You have no idea how powerful you are.
You are not “less.” You are not secondary. You are not a side character in your husband’s story.
Your state - your inner weather - affects the entire home.
When you are resentful and negative (and we all are sometimes), it feels to him like a black hole that keeps pulling on his energy.When you are genuinely joyful, grateful, calm in yourself - not performing happiness, but rooted - he feels it as sunlight.
It doesn’t mean you fake it. It doesn’t mean you stay quiet when something is wrong. It means you start with nourishing your own nervous system, your own joy, your own connection with Hashem. From there, your presence becomes its own form of leadership.
If he is the sun, you are the moon.You reflect, soften, shape, and magnify his light back to him.That is not submission. That is co-creation.
The year everything broke - and began
Around the same time all of this was shifting inside, my outer life cracked, too.
I had been working in special ed. It’s a noble field, and I respect those who love it. But I was so bored and drained I would literally watch the clock like a teenager waiting for the bell. The thought that this was “adult life” made my soul sink.
Painting, on the other hand, had always been therapy for me. A lifeline. Art was the place I could breathe.
There was a moment - I remember it so clearly - when I told my husband, half-joking, “Next year, I am not doing this job.” Because who just walks away from a salary?
Apparently… me.
When the school year came, my caseload simply didn’t arrive. They told me they had no work for me. We had five dollars in our bank account. No savings. No family who could swoop in and cover us.
It was terrifying. And also, strangely, exhilarating.
We suddenly had a direct line to Hashem. There was no one else to depend on. My husband said, “This is it. Put all your eggs in your art basket. Go all in.”
So I did. I decided:
I am an artist.
I will paint every day.
I will show up online every day.
I will treat this like a real business.
I will not look back.
Every painting sold felt like lightning through my veins. Not because of the money—but because I could feel the combination of my hishtadlus (effort), my tefillah (prayer), and Hashem’s kindness, all braided together.
Money mindset: the inner script no one sees
My relationship with money did not start in a healthy place.
As a child, I learned - without anyone needing to say it outright - that money only comes:
If you are desperate enough
If you beg enough
And even then, it’s barely what you need, and it probably won’t last
You get the trip money at the last second, but there is never extra. There is never overflow. There is certainly no ease.
That story became a script in my nervous system: “I don’t really deserve it. I’ll get just enough, just in time, and then it’s gone.”
When I began building my art business, I found myself searching late at night:“How to build a business. How to make money. How to stop being poor.”
Over and over, I stumbled on the same message:Your mindset around money shapes what you allow yourself to receive.
Not in a cliché “think positive and a million dollars appears” kind of way.More like: your beliefs create your vessel. They are the shape of the cup you’re handing to Hashem.
If your inner cup says:
“I’m not worthy.”
“There’s never enough.”
“If I have, someone else will lack.”
“I only get money when I’m desperate.”
…then even when abundance is raining, your cup is full of cracks and holes. The shefa (divine flow) is there. The plumbing is blocked.
So I began to notice my “money noise” and gently challenge it.
What if Hashem isn’t looking to punish me?
What if He actually wants me to live with dignity and expansion so I can give more?
What if lack is not automatically more spiritual than enough?
And another crucial question:
What do I really want money for?
Very often, when we say “I want more money,” what we actually mean is:
I want to feel safe.
I want to feel spacious.
I want to be generous.
I want to have friends at my table.
I want beauty.
Those feelings are sometimes closer than we think. We can begin embodying them now - within our current walls - while staying open to the physical expansion that may follow.
To me, bitachon and “manifestation” are not separate concepts.When I paint with full trust that Hashem will send the right buyers, that act of painting is already an act of bitachon.
Co-creating reality (and why comfort can be dangerous)
One of the most confronting truths I’ve learned is this:
Much of our reality is a mirror of what we deeply (often subconsciously) believe we deserve and what we’re willing to tolerate.
This doesn’t explain every tragedy, and it doesn’t mean we blame victims. There are mysteries in the world that are far beyond our understanding.
But in the smaller, everyday arenas— - our marriage dynamics, our relationship with money, our career, our self-talk - there is often a clear thread:
We stay in patterns because they are familiar, even when they hurt.
We cling to victimhood because it feels safer than risking rejection or failure.
We would rather stay in a bad comfort zone than walk into the unknown.
It is so human.
Courage, for me, is simply this:Letting the fear of regret become bigger than the fear of change.
The thought of looking back at my life and knowing I never really tried, never really showed up as myself - that is more terrifying to me than the risk of falling on my face.
So I choose, again and again, to be a little bit “delusionally” aligned with who I know I can be. To take one step as if I am already her. To walk with Hashem as a partner, not only as an emergency exit.
A note on mazal and the stars
I’ll just touch this briefly, because it’s a whole letter of its own.
I love astrology - not the superficial, fatalistic kind, but the deep, soulful language of mazal.
To me, it’s one more map Hashem gave us.
A birth chart doesn’t lock you in; it illuminates your starting point.
It shows your inclinations, your gifts, your challenges - your spiritual “weather.”
It helps you have compassion for yourself, your husband, your children: “Oh, of course she feels things so intensely; look at that Scorpio moon.”
It’s not an excuse: “That’s my sign, take it or leave it.”It’s information. A tool for growth.
We are always, always above the stars through tefillah and choice. But understanding the energy you swim in can be incredibly validating and clarifying.
If you’re hitting a wall right now
If any of this is landing for you - if you feel:
Over-responsible in your marriage
Terrified around money
Pulled between craving softness and clinging to control
Stuck in a story from your childhood
Or simply exhausted from carrying everyone and everything
I want you to know: you are not crazy, you are not broken, and you are definitely not alone.
You may be at a wall.And as painful as it is, the wall is a gift. It means you cannot keep going the way you’ve been going. Something in you is wise enough to say, “Ad kan. Enough.”
You do not have to fix everything today.
Maybe your version of courage, for now, is:
Admitting to yourself that you’re tired of being the emotional mother to everyone.
Allowing yourself to want more- more ease, more love, more money, more beauty- without shaming yourself.
Asking Hashem, in your own words: “Either take away this desire, or please, in Your kindness, make a path for it. I don’t want to live in this agony of wanting and not believing it’s possible.”
And then taking one small step that aligns with the woman you’re becoming.
Wear the metaphorical tichel of the future you.Stop “flying Spirit” in places where it violates how you know your soul wants to live.Let yourself be just a bit more honest, a bit more open, a bit more trusting.
I am writing this from a studio that did not exist in my “old” story.From a life that grew out of five dollars, a broken heart, a dark night of the soul, and two things I refused to give up:
My belief that Hashem is good,and my belief that I am allowed to build a life that feels like home to my soul.
You are allowed that too.
A Personal Invitation
If you’re reading this and feeling a tug inside - a quiet knowing that you’re ready for more clarity, more softness, more courage, more alignment - I want you to know that I offer 1:1 coaching sessions where we go deeply into this work together.
Whether it’s:
shifting out of over-responsibility in your marriage
unraveling old money stories and welcoming abundance
reconnecting with your feminine energy
understanding your astrology chart and your soul’s design
or simply learning how to feel safe inside your own body again
…our sessions are a space to explore, heal, and rise with gentleness and truth.
If you feel called to take this journey in a more intimate, guided way, you click here directly to schedule a session. I would be honored to walk with you.
